by Michelle Martinez

7 Habits of Highly Erotic Couples

November 13, 2023 | Relationships

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You know them when you see them...

Those couples who, even after the honeymoon phase, even after the 7-Year Itch, even after having kids...

... still have a palpable chemistry together. 

And it's not about a sustained lust, per se.

It's more about a general googly-eyed-ness they have toward each other.  Profound respect and appreciation. A magnetic attraction between the energy of each person's being. 

They bring out the best in each other. They bring out authenticity and aliveness in each other. 

They're so goddamn into each other, it would be annoying if it wasn't so sweet and inspiring.

And it's RARE. 

Which begs the question: How do they do it??  What are they doing differently, and can those things be replicated to increase the eroticism in anyone's relationship??

What I've observed, is that couples that have sustained high eroticism over the long-term have developed seven habits - whether they're consciously aware of them or not - that make this type of long-term chemistry and intimacy possible.

And if you practice these habits, your relationship will become more erotic as well!

Habit 1: They're Proactive

Highly erotic couples don't wait for their relationship to get to a bad place before they start thinking of ways to improve it. Even if the relationship is already in a great place, they are always asking themselves, "What can I do to make this even BETTER?"  

And then they take action to follow through.

They understand that there is no limit, no ceiling, on how good things can get, how turned on they can be with each other, how deep their intimate connection can get.

Habit 2: They are Self-Responsible

Individuals in a highly erotic couple do not make their sexual fulfillment their partner's responsibility.  They take responsibility for understanding what turns them on, how their body works, what their boundaries are, and communicating those things to their partner.

Habit 3: They Practice Curiosity and Non-Judgment

Especially when it comes to discussing the vulnerable topic of sexual needs and desires, highly erotic couples practice curiosity and non-judgment with each other and with themselves.

Habit 4: They Think Win-Win

Highly erotic couples understand that relationships create an upward spiral of joy, intimacy, and pleasure when each partner supports the personal fulfillment of the other.

They understand: "What lights me up is good for them; and what lights them up is good for me!" because that's how you get two people in a relationship with the best version of each other.

Habit 5: They Prioritize Self-Esteem Fueling Activities

When you feel unworthy and undeserving of love, affection, desire, pleasure, it's nearly impossible to feel playful and sexy. 

But when you feel good about who you are - when you have something you can do to feel smart, creative, sensual, and connected with yourself - then it is much easier to drop into a space of flirtation and passion with your person.

Habit 6: They Use Rituals

Rituals are a very effective tool that highly erotic couples use to transition from one state (e.g., work or parenting mode) into another (e.g., sensual, present, and embodied mode). 

It's an important way that they stay proactive (see Habit #1!) about ensuring that their erotic flame keeps burning and they don't get sucked into anti-erotic habits, like being on their phones in bed, that they'd otherwise fall into.

Habit 7: They Serve Aliveness (instead of Horniness)

Horniness is a juvenile, shallow, and self-centered phenomenon in which the main objective is simply sexual pleasure and orgasm. 

And there's nothing wrong with sexual pleasure and orgasm, but people in highly erotic couples serve aliveness in themselves and their partners because it can make their connection deeper, it can engage so many aspects of themselves beyond their genitals, and it can be thrillingly vulnerable. 

About the author, Michelle Martinez


With degrees in Psychology and Public Health, and VITA-certification as a Sex, Love, and Relationship Coach, Female Sexuality Coach, and Tantric Sex Coach, Michelle is on a mission to help women re-establish loving, pleasurable, and powerful relationships with their bodies and sexuality through mindfulness, tantra, and cultural change.

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