by Michelle Martinez

How to communicate when something’s not working in bed

March 14, 2021 | Pleasure & Orgasms

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Why is it that asking for what we want in bed can be so uncomfortable? 

Are we worried that our partner will feel inadequate? That we'll ruin the mood? That they'll get defensive and shut down, saying something like "Well if having sex with me sucks so much, then why do you even do it?"  (I really hope you have partners who are more mature than that, but perhaps a past experience like this still haunts you...)

Or perhaps it's a combination of all the above?

The issue can be even trickier if you have a history of sexual trauma and tend to go into "freeze" when you're not comfortable in a sexual situation, or you dissociate during sex.

So today, I'm giving you 4 communication tips that will help you express what you need and want in bed -- and this goes waaaay beyond coaching your partner's "technique", and includes anything that helps you stay present in your body and feel emotionally safe.

(If you don't feel connected to and safe in your own body, it's not going to matter how good he is with his tongue, ya know?)

Here's a sneak peek of what the tips are:

1. Focus on what you want MORE of (not what "the problem" is)
2. Use "my body" language
3. Speak to them like they are capable and WANT to learn
4. Do your best to not apologize for any of this

I know this is something that I struggle with, and don't fully understand why...

But the more I express what I want, the more I GET what I want... (go figure, huh?), which means my sex life keeps getting better and better, the more I master this ONE skill.

And I want to support you to express more of what YOU want -- in a way that feels good to you as you say it AND to your partner as they receive it -- so you can have sex that feels genuinely amazing for you.  

So if you want some tools to add to your toolbox that will help you help your partner be the amazing lover to you that they want to be, check out the video!

About the author, Michelle Martinez


With degrees in Psychology and Public Health, and VITA-certification as a Sex, Love, and Relationship Coach, Female Sexuality Coach, and Tantric Sex Coach, Michelle is on a mission to help women re-establish loving, pleasurable, and powerful relationships with their bodies and sexuality through mindfulness, tantra, and cultural change.

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