It might surprise you to know that, despite how much I value great sex and how much I have invested in having a really nourishing, pleasurable, and authentic relationship to my own sexuality...
.... I could be considered a low-libido person.
The reason someone might say that, is because I rarely desire sex and sexual pleasure out of the blue.
I need context.
I need a reason to feel aroused and turned on.
I didn't know this about myself until recently.
Cuz here's the thing:
When you're single and actively dating, there's LOADS of context and reasons for feeling sexual attraction and desire:
Each person you date is still a big mystery so there's all kinds of attraction that is building with every new cool thing you learn about them
Since your feelings for each other are not yet secure/established, you feel sexually energized by the need to put your best, sexiest self forward to seduce them, to earn their love, approval, desire, affection
No matter how many people you've been sexual with before, each new person you date represents a fresh start where you go through all the milestones again: the first flirtatious touch, your first kiss, the first time seeing each other's naked bodies, the first time you spend the night together, etc.
Once you get into a committed, long-term relationship, you don't have those same reasons or context anymore....
... which is fine! This is not something to freak out about.
But over time, a long-term relationship will reveal something:
Which partner(s) tend toward spontaneous sexual desire...
...and which partner(s) tend toward responsive sexual desire.
Most of the time, you'll know who's who because the partner with spontaneous sexual desire will be the one initiating sex the grand majority of the time....
... and the partner with responsive sexual desire will be the one going,
".... but I'm not horny... why would I be horny right now? Nothing sexy has happened..."
And this dynamic has potential to put both people in a tricky place, because look at the choices they have:
Higher-libido / spontaneous desire partner:
Choice 1: Keep trying, keep initiating, even though it feels really shitty to feel rejected or feel like you've got to convince your person to want to be intimate with you every. damn. time.... as though sex is a chore or a burden
Choice 2: Stop trying. Become a sexless couple. Have one of your greatest needs for pleasure and intimacy go unmet for who knows how long. Try to repress a growing resentment toward your partner.
Lower-libido / responsive desire partner:
Choice 1: Say yes to sex that you don't actually feel like having and wrestle with the sense of self-abandonment that comes with that.
Choice 2: Say no and live with the guilt of knowing that your inability to get "in the mood" on demand is causing your partner to feel rejected, undervalued, and unattractive, and knowing this can't bode well for your relationship as a whole....
YEESH..... not a good situation for either of you!
But don't worry -- there's a third option.
Watch the video above to learn how to seduce a partner with responsive desire in a way that feels good (and effective) for both of you!