"People don't realize how often men are experiencing a lack of intimacy, and the only place they can experience that intimacy is through sex."
- Trevor Noah (watch the full clip here)
In May of 2021, I went to a weekend workshop based on the work of Alison Armstrong, called "Understanding Men."
I'd recently read Armstrong's book, "The Queen's Code," and I was absolutely blown away by it
(hence, traveling all the way to Texas to attend this workshop).
ANYWAY, I was hoping to learn things about men that would help me shift these deeply internalized narratives in my head about how superficial they are, especially when it comes to sex.
And I absolutely did.
Here's one of them:
Men get so much from sex that has very little to do with the actual orgasm.
For example, because of the messages around "masculinity" that most men grew up internalizing, they aren't getting a lot of physical touch and intimate emotional connection in their daily lives.
And it's no wonder!
>> They aren't as free to sincerely give their friends long hugs -- or even tell them they LOVE them -- as women are
(Ever notice how any close male friendship gets pinned as a "bromance" instead of just, you know, friendship?)
>> They are socially punished for expressing emotional vulnerability, which makes it incredibly challenging to ask for emotional support
(contributing, no doubt, to the fact that in the Western world, they are 3-4x more likely to die from suicide than women)
>> They aren't allowed to explore the nuances of their sexuality the way women are, which undoubtedly leads them to repress and disconnect from significant parts of themselves.
So sex, for many men, is the only space where they are allowed to access a softer, more sentimental, emotionally open side of themselves.
For your man, sex is also about what he receives by connecting with YOU, specifically.
He loves your body because it's YOUR BODY.
Your body has a smell, a warmth, a particular shape, that has been the source of so much love, pleasure, and connection for him.
When he is in you -- or kissing you, or licking you, or squeezing you -- he is coming home to something.
And the more intentional and aware you both become of what that "something" is...
(*cough*.... Infinite Divine Love ... *cough*)....
the more you can cultivate it through your lovemaking, and experience deeper -- potentially psychedelic -- states of egoic transcendence and ecstatic union with one another.
YUM.
And one more thing:
Women tend to be far more superficial and picky about our own bodies than men are.
Many years ago I was talking to a male friend about what his "type" was, and he said that if he's attracted to someone, it's not specifically because they have a great ass or nice boobs or full lips or whatever the fuck else we assume guys will say when we ask them things like this.
He basically said, "First I feel the general attraction, and then I get drawn into the specific physical things that are attractive about them. Everyone's got something."
Interestingly, this is pretty much exactly what Emma Thompson's young male escort told her as well in the movie Good Luck to You, Leo Grande.
She had asked him how he could be turned on by her, or by other "not conventionally attractive" clients. (Let's do the suspension of disbelief thing here, where we pretend Emma Thompson isn't a an absolute knockout.)
Leo said something like, "Every woman has beautiful qualities, and I just focus on those."
So give yourself a break and trust that the man trying to have sex with you finds you genuinely attractive, k? Ok 😉
So what do we do with these new insights?
Does this mean that you are obligated to have sex with your man anytime he wants because otherwise you'll be responsible for his decline in emotional wellness or sense of self?
Absolutely not.
It's so important that you are having sex that is nourishing for BOTH of you, that BOTH of you want and enjoy.
Your boundaries, your yes, and your no, are still valid as ever.
And also... just knowing the layers of meaning and nourishment that sex has for men might naturally shift your response to it.
Before I knew all this, I assumed that when my husband wanted sex, it was because he was horny and I'm the only one he's allowed to "get off" with.
And that's not exactly a turn-on, is it?
Once I realized that it wasn't just "I'm horny and you're here"...
....that it was actually about the desire for intimacy, connection, and enjoying MY BODY specifically because it's me and it's mine,
...that he also gets to feel the parts of himself that are only expressed during those intimate moments,
I've been receiving it differently.
It feels sweeter, more flattering, more enticing...
I'm just hoping that for any women reading this, who are in sexual-romantic relationships with men, that you are able to shift the way you perceive his bids for sexual intimacy.
If you're with a good-hearted, emotionally healthy, non-abusive partner, then he's not just trying to use your body to "get off".
He's trying to CONNECT with you, and with HIMSELF, to feel alive, grounded, and whole.
Look...
I'm not interested in being anyone's flesh-and-blood masturbation toy and I'm sure you're not either.
(Except maybe on our more kinky days, yeah....?)
But I am VERY interested in my person feeling more at home in my body, in my pussy, in my arms, in my mouth, than anywhere else in the world...
and being able to drop into transcendent states of love and pleasure that fill us with awe and remind us it's all going to be okay.
If this has resonated with you and you're interested in working together, let's have a chat 🙂